It's a difficult question and the answers would vary considerably from one person to another and would depend greatly on the circumstances. You were energized and felt healed by this love. Thank you so much, Kathy! Ive been with my highly intelligent boyfriend for 8 months and this is the second time he has ceased all communication with me for days on end without an explanation. Love should be a joy. (If youre a NT in an NT/AS relationship, please feel free to join this group.). His sister told me not him and then he ended up in the psychiatric ward. I was supposed to meet her in her hometown (2hrs drive for me) and that got cancelled the same day because of Covid-related reasons. I had been putting up with so much crap all day, and he said a few choice words, and I just lost control of my temper and let him have it, calling him miserable, a dark cloud, his whole family miserable (true; his dad is a delusional narcissist), noting how he couldnt deal with our ASD kiddo & fomented his meltdowns. I think I make it worse by constantly trying to get him to talk. I never said anything negative about having Asperger's nor was I trying to label him. Once you take the course, you can join our online community. Dont be silent back, you will make them feel more disappointed about us. Its happened before.and it usually takes me to approach him. But i found out he has a secret account where hes liking tiktoks of sexy girls dancing but he would be mad at me for talking about a boyband i like and unfollow every celebrity on my Instagram because he says he was jealous (we used to share accounts) and this made us fight and now we are definitely not ok. No matter how much we adapt to our Aspies they only know their own experience of anxiety. I tried to make him interested in asperger's and understand the differences between us. I feel like he broke my trust and i dont know if i could trust him again. Thank you, Dr. Kathy. I barely have had any answers from him other than I will be better without him and that he doesnt want me to be unhappy and loves me too much to see me hurting like this. Although I've tried, I've been unable to rekindle those feelings of love with anyone else and I'm close to giving up on relationships altogether. I quite agree that NTs need help navigating the boiling waters of an NT/ASD relationship. I care deeply for him. I really like her a lot, shes an unbelievably beautiful, poetic person, who has such a true heart. Was this at all like the aspie-neurotypical relationship youve experienced, or is it similar to your current relationship? In fact he went overboard. The very dramatic emotions are just the comfort of expressing emotions along with ideas, whereas Aspies tend to keep these things separate as if they are unrelated. The aspie partner may miss the fact his partner is actually seething. I asked him to put the kids before himself and not cause them any anguish by watching the way he is treating me. When it comes to relationships, NTs negotiate them. I keep trying, hoping, forgiving and any disagreement or triggered PTSD(mine) takes us back to ground zero as if we have never discussed hurts, strategies, team work, NOTHING!! I researched Aspergers for 5 years to support him. and so will mine. My husband has Aspergers, but its not excusable that he blasts me for being old, ugly and fat. We too went through bouts of hyperfocus, honeymoon phases and then he would back off for a minute and then come around again. In fact, I think the signs were all there and his folks just never paid attention to them. This is july 21st. I was made to understand this? Wow. Any updates? I work out like a demon, but Im 67 and have wrinkles. Its about understanding. Not willing to talk/not willing to engage. Those are questions I am wondering as well. One way to stay calm when your Aspie gives you the silent treatment, is to remind yourself that they may mean nothing by it. Hes not willing to take suggetions, and when I say something, its like I said nothing, he completely ignores it. He needs to be evaluated by someone experienced and it seems like you are offering only education and therapy appointments. Take care. People who experience cognitive/mental health difficulties are at high risk of not being able to control their behaviour and it doesnt have to be related to personality difficulties. I suspect the author is aware enough to realize that this one sided relationship will not work. Very paranoid. When you realize you are doing more work than your ASD loved one, it is time to break the codependency. Just get on with Your life my friend.. I sent her this nice, funny, text on Saturday night telling her to have an amazing time. I need advice please. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie. he told me he was ready for a serious relationship, I would spend the night over on his days off and he was very attentive to me and just a sweetheart, although he wasn't too affectionate I still liked him that way, I just thought that was the way he was.He did mention one of his brothers was autistic but i didn't mind that at all. Even if its a tentative diagnosis, when he starts having suspects, he himself may dig into it much more deeply. Thank you. I care about her and want my friend back. My needs are never met. At the back of my mind is the gnawing feeling of what if he isnt on the spectrum and is just being an uncaring selfish asshole? The oppression of living with a loved one on the Spectrum is severe. I started dating this guy for last few months. Hi July 21st and thanks for responding! I just scheduled a video appointment for you in early February. Have you been able to write part II yet? However he still has not responded in any way and Im in a constant state of anxiety as I cant help feeling rejected. Once at school, you're at the mercy of the timetable but apart from getting the right books to the right classes on time. I hurt him and he has recoiled to a point of no return. Will he ever want to re connect? He is a logical thinker, not emotional as i can see you obviously are. The fact is that there are lots of people out there who really feel very little for others and who are very manipulative. When I asked him is it something I did he said its how he is. I finally asked if he wasnt attracted to me and he said it isnt me. I am 35. My husband also has many of these traits. So embarrassing. Hope you'll feel better soon! Researched. Reading these posts exemplify what I felt day to day with him. He was and still is in strong denial. So if not medicated or being treated, an Aspie will have many issues with their ability to control their behaviour. It will be a long, cold, lonely, life. When the Aspie shuts down, we must be VERY c l e a r and basic in our terms. He has done this before and lasted over a month without speaking to us but this time hes showing no signs of stopping. He recently left this job for good, and not only ignored me for 9 whole months while we worked closely together day after day, but on his very last day, he wrote long cards to everyone at work saying bizarre things, like how much he'll miss them, he loves them, they were his friends, etc..and he wrote me one sentence that said, "Good luck in the future"something sterile and cold like that. You are here: the ranch radio station charlie o in the morning; lovers' lane murders solved; why do aspies suddenly back off in relationshipshow much to pay rabbi for baby naming. Others will appreciate your gifts. I really want to just run away but he says he's suicidal and I'm so stressed out that I'm physically sick frequently. But it does put the pressure on me to do something about it. You felt attacked. He told me about his condition in our first meeting and said he is not looking for anything serious. I know its hard but no one is entitled to hurt others. I love him dearly and am beside myself with anxiety. Sometimes, it's not the depression but the depression medication itself which is responsible for the strain on the relationship. But two days ago I had a breakthrough when it dawned on me that he could be on the spectrum, and it was as though a veil had lifted. He is cold cruel and he refused to go get diagnosed. He cannot forgive or forget anything; he loves giving me the silent treatment; he calls me a fucking bitch and constantly makes threats to leave me; he is a very sick man. I even gave him a very expensive gift and heartfelt card that told him i loved him, was there for him, etcand no text or in person thank you or goodbye. We havent had sex in over a year (he has refused, even when we get along well, because he doesnt trust me emotionally (since a number of times over the last year I have gotten angry and done something like the above). I hope you dont blame yourself for anything that happened and have found it in you to move on. That made sense. At the time I had no idea of my limitations as I'd never been truly in love before, but communication rather than cold, unilateral action is the key. This is the third in a series of articles designed to explore some of the issues and concerns that arise around what is currently called Asperger's syndrome, which will soon be incorporated into . He is 41 and I am 38. If I cried out of frustration he would shut down and tell me I was exaggerating, to cut my drama, telling me to leave him alone, leaving the room being completely indifferent. This Is what is meant by detachment. I feel ripped off because I never got a chance to make things right with him. Sunday he stopped replying to my texts. They gave me the silent treatment for hours, fell asleep, and as customary for them, woke up as I was drifting off to scream at me for not talking to them (obviously forgetting conversation is a 2 way street). He only talked to me to gaslight me and ignores all my messages. dispite all these small but significant things I really do love his kindness his honesty and generous to a fault. Im none of those things but the Fg B part did get to my head because there are days anyone can be in a bad mood. Days where I day to myself, why even bother with the hardship and better to just let go and move on. Sometimes when I find I click with someone and they want to become friends or more I get nervous. So they offer logical explanations and when those dont work, they often resort to the silent treatment. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. Both are Empathy Dysfunctions. It does not store any personal data. I understand that Aspie's tell the truth and that she does not have romantic feelings for me. to uphold their unintentional abuse behaviors. Get a cat or dog if you want someone to truly love you and be pleased to see youseriously. She never returned it and I felt foolish. You felt like you were with Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s). Being expert manipulators, narcissists know your vulnerabilities and may appeal to your emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages, cards, or gifts on significant . He is very high functioning. I hope they can find peace. Its not just that you love him, but you have free will to decide what you want. All this while, he hid the fact of his aspergers. I fear I wont be good enough to change him or guide him to face his problems. I dont know how to deal with it. About three months went by. We had so much in common too. He doesnt message or call. Its not a relationshipits being a carer. A few days later when he got his phone back he texted me and said that he appreciated my thoughts but he needed to make a clean and full break. You felt so intensely, youd give your life to prove to your partner their worth. Im 23 years married , 2 beautiful daughters, age 19 and 16. I camouflage extremely well and I can hide the Aspergers for the most part. Its been quite a whirlwind, with so many stops and starts. I will divorce him now as I dont trust him . I feel like my life is passing me by. The problem is we are living in a middle east country and I dont think the specialists here are good enough to detect anything like that especially given that my husbands masking abilities are highly advanced and he is a perfect convincer. He simply has not been able to verbalize that he has feelings for me. He seems completely shut down. They were excited to spend time with me, open and healthy. I don't know is the answer. I especially expected this since we were basically inseperable, he had no other friends and he told me everything and always said how grateful he was to me, etc. Sometimes they would try to be what they thought people around them wanted them to be. It's not easy being an aspie in an NT world. Frugal with money. Be prepared to lose yourself along the way. (Our pets are our children). It got me nowhere. We NTs know who we are in relation to others, so we constantly assess our reality according to other people, even total strangers and famous people. How to confront your Aspie. And once for a larger amount and he to go away for 18 months. Me and my bff worked together for over 2 years and in that time, he literally barely spoke a word to ANYONE at work. When I brought up how he doesn't express how he feels or take proactive steps he backed off a bit. One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is why an aspie (or suspected aspie) suddenly goes "cold" and backs off on an otherwise good relationship. If you are not married, and do not have kids, get past trying to save them. After a few days he tells me he thought things would be different this time but he freaked out got depressed and wanted to be alone. He just isnt feeling great. We have been together for over 2 years. Everything was great the first two months then he shut down affection and sex and now he says he wants to be alone. I was told I have to accept that. Both will be tested to the very limit. He blows over the smallest thing. I feel helpless and hopeless and so frustrated wanting to give him respectful space and yet wanting so much to talk to him and try to convince him otherwise. One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is why an aspie (or suspected aspie) suddenly goes "cold" and backs off on an otherwise good relationship. I sent him an email yesterday trying to communicate with him that I now understand how he is wired, without mentioning any autism disorder. You have to carve out a life regardless of whether or not your husband recognizes the problems. You were accused of lies, emotional abuse, and of not caring. Dealing with the same. Ive mentioned counselling before. I was so confused, but after 3 painful months once he had time to think about it, and during a break so he had time to think (because he's normally quite stressed and busy) about it, he realized what he had done, and then he came back and tried to help me through all the pain that he had caused by all of a sudden just closing up to me. Myths About Asperger's Syndrome. Was married 10 years the first time, about 3 years too long, before I finally left and almost 11 this time and its complicated. Believe it or not, this is quite common for Aspies. They fail to take into consideration the person into their reasoning. If we had known maybe we couldve saved our marriage. They seem to have endless things to say and talk about with each other. He was wonderful in the beginning, weird and adoreable. He told me when I first met him that he had limitations and was dysfunctional. It truly seems unfair that people who are already working quite hard to navigate interactions should also have to deal with depression and/or anxiety, but I also can see how these things would go hand in hand with Aspbergers. She has cut off our entire family. There are spouses of ASD who can behave this way because the relationship can create depression. Once the Lovebombing phase overbe prepared for WAR! Dont give up on either of you, but never put up with the abuse. Our resentment towards each other is extreme and I find having any hope very difficult. I cant help but see the man I love trapped in there deep inside, and the two of us have such a deep bond. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits.
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